15.6.16

6.14.2016

Today I read a letter written by my mother from god to my daughter. My mother literally believes she can hear from god for my daughter. I remember when I used to think this way and it just makes me feel sick. I wish I could say that there wasn't anything inherently wrong with the letter but it essentially says that my daughter is nothing without god. And that is a complete lie.

She is curious, silly, brilliant, creative, intuitive, strong, generous, inclusive, friendly and beautiful inside and out without anyone else's input. She is not nothing without god and she can accomplish anything she desires with or without a god.
Do not make her smaller.
Do not make her nothing.
Do not make her into a sinner.

I've always felt like I didn't want to shield her from religions because it would be the same thing my parents did with me growing up in their "christian" household but I don't know anymore.. I just want her to believe in herself and know that she doesn't need help from a god. I don't want her to think that her only worth is how she is in relation to men. I want her to know that she has stories, strength, integrity and discoveries within her which is worth much more than modesty, virginity or only see how she relates to men. (She is more than a sister, daughter, wife, girlfriend...) I don't want her to think of herself as a sinner and that she needs to fix herself to be allowed into heaven, I want her to have a good foundation of morality, to be good because its good. I want her to practice empathy and know that she can build upon her character and integrity versus seeing herself as a flawed creation.

That's the thing with religion, it creates an issue and then supplies a solution.

Sophia has a lot of growing up to do and I don't want to hinder that with my belief system, but if she is fed lies from trusted adults in her life before she has the ability to understand and think critically for herself then I don't know if I want those adults in her life.

ETA
I love my parents very much and it would destroy me to have to remove them or any other trusted adult in my children's lives. That is not the plan right now. I do want my children to grow up secular versus religious. I want them to make the choice with no shame to believe or not believe in a god. I don't want them to be taken advantage of at their young age.

8.3.16

I never thought it would happen to me

On Monday I had a routine ultrasound to measure the growth of Baby Perry 3. On Monday I found out Baby Perry had no more heartbeat. I announced early in this pregnancy even knowing this could be a possibility.

One in four women experience a miscarriage.

I never thought it would happen to me.

It did happen to me, it is happening to me and I don't want to be alone in mourning this baby. I don't want there to just be a few people that remember Baby Perry 3.

Today, Tuesday, I thought to myself I need people to be around me so I don't lose myself in this loss. I realized that I have people, I have Bird and Lucas. Granted they don't understand or know what's going on, it will be very hard to tell Sophia that there is no longer a baby in my tummy tomorrow, but right now, I can snuggle and giggle with these two littles because they are a part of my people.

Wednesday I have a D&C, this will be my first experience in a surgical procedure and it's overwhelming but it will be closure and pivotal in my personal mourning. I will walk into the clinic tomorrow pregnant and then I will walk out no longer pregnant, without the tiny human to take home with me.

Tomorrow, I will have Adam, my husband who is also experiencing loss we will keep each other from falling down. My parents who just picked up and came down to be here for us and to help with the children. My wonderful Sophia who never fails to make me laugh and Lucas who always has a smile for me. I will also have you all, my online support group who help a stay at home mother stay sane. I need you all, so I don't lose myself, so my family doesn't lose me in this tragedy.

25.1.15

I have found that it is much easier to read other peoples work than it is to take a moment and write my own.

24.6.13

Birdie

I feel so lonely without Sophia. I am going to miss her so much.

20.6.13

again.

to live is to love. to love is to live.

i want to live, to love again.

feel emotion and know emotion.

i need to be strong and bold.

to live and to love again

it's necessary to let go...

29.5.13

Burned

Roots cling to the soil in which they are planted, being uprooted and replanted can result in shock.

It's been years.

I've burned my bridges for reasons that have been said. Accept that and move on.